FUN BIBLE STORIES SUMMARIES
Carving Up the Concubine
THE CREEPIEST AND MOST VIOLENT STORY IN THE BIBLE
Judges 19 – 21
Gang rape, cowardice, kidnapping, prostitution, mutilation, excess partying, murder, genocide, civil war; death toll 90,000.
Pheckin’ With Pharaoh
YHWH TAKES AWAY PHAROAH’S FREEWILL AND PUNISHES HIM
Ex. 8:15 | Ex. 9:22 | Ex. 10:1 | Ex 14:4
YHWH brags about controlling the King’s behavior, which he does give him and excuse to destroy Egypt. This is the creator of the universe?
Lot And His Daughters
AFTER SODOM, LOT IMPREGNATES BOTH DAUGHTERS
Genesis 19
Before and after Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed, Abraham’s whiny nephew significantly underperforms in the morals department.
Virgin Sacrifice To Thank YHWH
A WARLORD BARBEQUES HIS ONLY DAUGHTER TO THANK GOD
Judges 11
On the way to battling the Ammonites Jephthah vows to sacrifice whatever he first encounters after the victory. Unfortunately, it’s his daughter.
Baal Is Taking A Dump
ELIJAH GOES HEAD TO HEAD WITH BAAL’S PROPHETS
1 Kings 18:20-24
One of the snarkier quips in the Old Testament during a magic competition between Elijah and King Ahab’s royal court shamans as they summon deities to ignite a sacrificial bull.
Abraham: Sex Trafficker
PIMPS HIS WIFE TO A PHAROAH AND A PHILISTINE KING
Gen. 12:10-20 | Gen. 20: 1-18
The alpha patriarch of three religions rents his wife out to two kings and makes a profit on the deal.
Emergency Circumcision
ZIPPORAH SAVES MOSES’S LIFE WITH AN QUICK CIRCUMCISION
Exodus 4:24-26
One of the strangest, most disturbing and bewildering incidents in the Bible: Moses is grudgingly making his way to Egypt when, he is waylaid by none other than the Lord, who intends to murder him.
Honey I Ate The Kids
CANNIBALISM AND INFANTICIDE IN THE GOOD BOOK
Leviticus 26:29 | Deuteronomy 28:53-57 | 2 Kings 6:28-29 | Ezekiel 5 | Jeremiah 19 | Lamentations 2:20
The children of Israel are constantly in trouble with the Lord, causing multiple scenarios that drive the chosen people to chow down on their own offspring.
Samson’s Unsavory Life
THE BIBLICAL STRONGMAN NEVER FOUGHT FOR ISRAEL
Joshua > Judges 13-16 > Ruth
Forget Delilah Samson is a murderous thug. He murdered and robbed indiscriminately. He cheated. He tortured foxes. There is not a single mention of the mighty man going to war to save Israel.
Noah’s Post Flood Barbeque
THE ARK DUDE SACRIFICES THE ANIMALS HE HAS JUST SAVED
Genesis 8 > Exodus
After 370 days afloat, Noah can’t wait to sacrifice a giraffe. “And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.”
Philistine Phun Facts
HISTORICAL REFUGEES FROM THE TROJAN WAR
Joshua | Judges | Samuel | Amos | Zephania | Jeremiah | Ezekiel
After 1200 BCE, the Philistines (Sea Peoples or proto Greeks) occupied the coasts of Palestine. The extensive biblical vilification of the Philistines had as much to do with real estate disputes as worshiping the wrong god..
200 Philistine Foreskins
SEVERED PENIS TIPS FOR A FINE DOWRY
2 Samuel 18 > 1 Kings
The Israelite monarchy has its first succession crisis as King Saul tries to get David killed, but instead is gifted the tips of a couple hundred Philistine dicks as a dowry.
How Did Judas Die?
DID JUDAS HANG HIMSELF OR DID HIS BOWELS SUDDENLY EXPLODE?
Matthew 27:5 | Acts 1:18
The betrayer Judas may have hanged himself, or he may have stumbled and caused his guts to explode, but he didn’t do both. A challenge for the Bible inerrancy crowd.
The Wicked Bible
OOPS: CELEBRATING ADULTERY AND GOD’S GREAT ASS
Exodus 20:14 | Deut. 5:2
“Thou shalt commit adultery.” One typo can mess up a commandment, plus TMI on YHWH’s posterior. In this version of the KJV, adultery is not a problem
The Savior’s Actual Lineage
PART 1: WHEN DID THE HEBREWS BECOME JEWS?
Genesis | Joshua | 1 Chronicles | Ruth | Gospel of Matthew
Starting with the fact that Jesus’s two official genealogies don’t match in Matthew and Luke, his lineage as described in the Bible is an eye opener.
Ezekiel’s Lurid Sex Lectures
RABBIS SAY THIS BOOK SHOULD NOT BE READ BY WOMEN
Book of Ezekiel 16 and 23 0
Also not to be read by anyone under 30, Ezekiel has weaponized horse semen, back-dated prophecies, F bombs, donkey-sized penises, child sacrifice and mutilation.
God’s Killer Bears
IN THIS GRIZZLY TALE, YHWH OFFS TEENS FOR MOCKING A PROPHET
1 Kings > 2 Kings 2 > 1 Chronicles
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. He turned around and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.” STORY LINK
13 Tribes of Israel
NO TRIBE OF JOSEPH? LOST TRIBES AND OTHER MYSTERIES
Genesis | Exodus
Like the seven dwarves, most people can name several Israelite tribes but very few can name all of them. Likewise, it is generally understood that there are twelve tribes, but that assumption isn’t really accurate. There are actually thirteen tribes of Israel.
The Savior’s Actual Lineage
PART 2: THAT’S NO LADY, THAT’S URIAH’S WIFE
Genesis | Joshua | 1 Chronicles | Ruth | Gospel of Matthew
An uplifting treatise that includes masturbation, murder, adultery and prostitution. In light of the conflicted relationship between Judaism and the offshoot cult known as Christianity, it is ironic that the “Old Testament” prophecies regarding the coming of the savior are so critical to the Christian Messiah narrative.
The Whole Book of Job
INCLUDES MASS MURDER,, UNICORNS AND SEA MONSTERS
Ester > Book of Job > Psalms
Most regular Christians and Jews know the story of Job, which has spawned more than its share of clichés, the most common of which is “the patience of Job.” As is the case with so much biblical material, good church goers are typically exposed only to the Sunday Services version of the tale.
2000 Drowned Pigs
ANY BETTER TO HANDLE THIS THIS EXPENSIVE EXORCISOM
Gospel of Mark 5: 1-20
When Jesus sends some bad demons into a herd of 2,000 pigs, they run into the sea and drown. The townspeople ask him to get the hell out of town.
Unicorns Are Real In the Bible
IN FACT, THEY ARE MENTIONED SIX TIMES
Numbers | Deuteronomy | Job
Many biblical scholars have pointed out that much of the Old Testament is a collection of mythological tales, not in small part because it is as full of magical creatures as a Harry Potter book
Following the Wrong Star
MOST OF THE WISE MEN TALE IS NOT ACTUALLY IN THE BIBLE
Gospel of Mathew 2 > Gospel of Mark
“We Three Kings of the Orient” were not kings, weren’t riding camels, were coming from the wrong direction and we don’t know how many there were.
You Will Be Executed For Breaking the Sabbath
THINGS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
Exodus 20 | Exodus 34 | Deut. 5:1-22
The characterization of the 10 Commandments as the foundation of Western Civilization is shaky. There are many versions of these laws. They often don’t mean what you think.
Jesus Kills A Fig Tree
A HUNGRY MESSIAH CURSES A FIG TREE AND KILLS IT
Matthew 21:18-22 | Mark 11:13-14
Jesus approaches a fig tree with the expectation of grabbing a tasty fruit treat. Finding no figs on the tree, Jesus curses it, saying: “May no one ever eat of your fruit again!”
Unicorns Are Real In the Bible
IN FACT, THEY ARE MENTIONED SIX TIMES
Numbers | Deuteronomy | Job
Many biblical scholars have pointed out that much of the Old Testament is a collection of mythological tales, not in small part because it is as full of magical creatures as a Harry Potter book
Following the Wrong Star
MOST OF THE WISE MEN TALE IS NOT ACTUALLY IN THE BIBLE
Gospel of Mathew 2 > Gospel of Mark
“We Three Kings of the Orient” were not kings, weren’t riding camels, were coming from the wrong direction and we don’t know how many there were.
Jacob Wrestles God All Night
JACOB HOLDS HIS OWN WRESTLING GOD ALL NIGHT
Genesis 32: 28 > Exodus
A “man” appears and wrestles with Jacob all night, apparently to a draw. We are not specifically told who the man is, but the context of the conversation indicates it is God.